1. Criticism that attacks character instead of behavior
There’s a real difference between telling a partner you’re upset about something they did and telling them something is wrong with who they are. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint, since the latter is about specific issues while the former is an ad hominem attack. Therapists trained in the Gottman method describe criticism as one of the earliest signs of trouble because it shifts a conversation from “this bothered me” to “you are the problem.”
It functions as an attack on a partner’s character at their core, effectively dismantling their whole being in the process. Phrases that generalize a single mistake into a permanent character flaw, “you never think,” “you always do this,” tend to escalate rather than resolve whatever sparked the comment in the first place.
2. Contempt, the pattern therapists worry about most
If there’s one habit that gets flagged more than any other in couples therapy, it’s contempt. Contempt is considered the worst of the four horsemen and the number one predictor of divorce, though it can be defeated. It shows up as sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or a tone that communicates disgust rather than disagreement.
What makes contempt different from ordinary anger is the underlying message. Contempt involves expressing moral superiority through sarcasm or mockery, and it is considered the single strongest predictor of divorce. Therapists often say this is the pattern they try to interrupt first in sessions, because everything else tends to build on top of it.
3. Defensiveness disguised as self-protection
Nobody likes feeling attacked, so defensiveness feels justified in the moment. The problem is what it does to the conversation. While it’s understandable to defend yourself when feeling attacked, this approach won’t have the desired effect, since defensiveness will only escalate conflict and is really a way of blaming a partner rather than allowing for healthy conflict management.
Couples therapists point out that defensiveness rarely arrives on its own. It is typically a response to criticism, which means the two patterns often feed each other in a loop. One partner criticizes, the other deflects, and neither person ends up feeling heard.
4. Stonewalling, the shutdown that feels like abandonment
Some partners don’t yell or argue back. They simply go quiet. Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt, occurring when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner. It can look like scrolling a phone, leaving the room, or physically staying put while mentally checking out.
From the outside this might look like calm, but partners on the receiving end often describe it differently. Stonewalling feels like emotional abandonment to a partner, who is trying to reach the other person and connect or resolve something while they’ve checked out. Interestingly, Gottman’s research shows that men are more likely to stonewall than women because men’s physiological stress responses during conflict are often more intense.
5. Score-keeping and bringing up the past mid-argument
Therapists frequently notice couples who can’t argue about one issue without dragging in five others. A disagreement about who forgot to pay a bill suddenly becomes a recap of every past mistake. This kind of scorekeeping, along with eye rolling and sarcasm, signals disrespect and often overlaps with contempt.
The habit tends to make small conflicts unsolvable because nobody is actually discussing the current problem anymore. Instead, both partners are defending a mental ledger of grievances, which leaves little room for an actual resolution.
6. Withdrawing without a plan to return
There’s a meaningful difference between taking a break to cool down and simply disappearing from a conversation. Defensiveness involves counterattacks and justifications that block repair, while stonewalling means shutting down, changing the topic, or leaving the room without a plan to return.
Couples counselors often teach partners to name a pause out loud, something as simple as saying they need twenty minutes before continuing. Without that, the person left behind is stuck guessing whether the conversation is over or just paused indefinitely.
7. Phone distraction during important conversations
This is a newer addition to the list, but therapists increasingly see it as a communication habit worth watching. A 2025 study found partners use their smartphone during roughly a quarter of their time together, and even the mere presence of a phone decreases closeness during conversations.
The effect isn’t just about missed messages. A Baylor University study found that nearly half of people reported being phubbed by their partner, and about one in four said it caused problems in the relationship. When one partner is trying to talk while the other glances at a screen, it sends a quiet but consistent signal about priorities, even when that isn’t the intention.
8. Weak repair attempts after conflict
Every couple argues. What separates couples who stay connected from those who drift apart often comes down to what happens right after the argument ends. The reason these problems last is often simple: weak repair habits and avoidance, since when partners don’t return to a topic with a plan, unresolved conflicts harden and emotional distance grows.
Therapists describe repair attempts as small gestures, a joke, an apology, a hand on the shoulder, that de-escalate tension before it spirals. Couples who skip this step tend to accumulate unresolved friction, even if each individual disagreement seemed minor at the time.
Final thoughts
Leave a Reply